I really wish this wasn't mine..

Can nothingness hurt, I have always told my self otherwise. I have always believed that since I am alone or decently without many attachments, it would mean I will by-pass the pain others might give to me.

But lately I have come to realise, nothingness hurts too. It is a weird pain, something you can’t explain. Some may say it’s just being lonely or un-happy. I know that it can’t so be superficial. What would be loneliness when I don’t enjoy so many I am with? How could this be un-happiness when I do not feel happy either?

Can we reason this, can I try and explain? There is chaos, there is lack for foresight and above all there is lack of something, undefined – unknown. I do not think it can be filled in with poetry, music or a person. It has to come from within. Come from a purpose of life or of existence.

I spoke a ‘friend’ the other day and she had a very interesting point. To her existence is relative to her. So death is when you ease to exist to your own conscious. You no longer are. Well in that case, I am only because I am, I am alive or I try to be not-dead. Can then I be even if I try not to be, philosophical? Well maybe- but not good enough. Why does this feel like a mid life crisis when I am yet to even graduate. (Not much time left tho, go me!)

This is a very strange feeling- like why is it like this then. I smile I laugh, I cry and I live. Then what is it that I feel the way I do. What more would I want in my life. Is it that I consciously or unconsciously want a bit too much? Am I asking for a lot here? The funny part is I am really not sure, what is it that I am asking for?

I guess U2 sings right, “sometimes you can’t make it own your own.” Now then else does one need? Please don’t tell me, ‘someone special’, that would be just so fake. (trust me I know, not like your really need to trust me or anything)