And a Happy New Year ;)

How inhuman do we have to be?

That we can’t feel emotions,
Unless they are served on a platter,
Displayed, voiced, acted and alienated.

That we struggle to hide our pain
And pleasure then, becomes a matter of 'lack of pain',
Or painful ends for others

That happiness becomes relative,
Life subjective with different adjectives,
That an empty emotion, unknown, unexplained and commercialised,
Becomes love!

That more is less,
That struggle to survive results in lust for more and greed for better,
That dreams are materialised
and freedom priced against pay packages,
Meant to win deals and loose selves!

How inhuman do we have to be, before we will try and be human again?

Hated by those who know me the most,

They know, I can never be known

I have gone on, faking it a lot

For I know it can never be blown.

Songs, poems, blogs

they think can define me

I am laughing at that very thought

Given up the essence within me

I-can-think, beyond recourse

The freedom, The God

The innocence is broken

Unspoken words I have

dreams that are stolen I know

I know not, thus I can say

But you can’t listen;

you will have to speak instead

The unknown now isn’t that surprising

Instead it is the very same

it’s hiding.

The same reflection that I seek not

I stand besides the sorrow I gone

My life, my pain, my shot!

Saints are sinners that are just taking in less.

The pain I've shared is my only regret,

The way I came, I can never forget,

The gods of life are not here yet,

Saints are sinners that are just taking in less.

Despise me; I am not what you expect,

Surprisingly I am not here to impress,

I will be; what it has always shown

To life I say; let us all be wrong.

Inside me, I am still the sane,

Blame me, life or death, I don’t seek to explain.

Crazy is what has always been right,

If it was up to them, we would all be blind.

For what we live, it’s so good we are used,

For how it seems, good I am very confused.

No clarity to what really goes around,

No sound, no noun, I make my own grounds.

The path I walk is just a long shot

 The way I talk is just wayward 

Living in the future

They have my dreams 

I sit here and I sit so clean 

 There is hope 

there is this desire 

There no fault 

in wanting to go higher 

There is life 

and this want to be

There you are flying free 

And then there is me

It sounds so good

when we say it slow 

Sounds so cool

 that we have to know 

I have given 

what I have to give 

Staying around to know

what it means.

There is no space 

for us to stick around 

There is no sound 

to lose your mind 

There is fun 

but fun ain’t free 

Then there is a flavour 

of these broken dreams 

And then there is me

I really wish this wasn't mine..

Can nothingness hurt, I have always told my self otherwise. I have always believed that since I am alone or decently without many attachments, it would mean I will by-pass the pain others might give to me.

But lately I have come to realise, nothingness hurts too. It is a weird pain, something you can’t explain. Some may say it’s just being lonely or un-happy. I know that it can’t so be superficial. What would be loneliness when I don’t enjoy so many I am with? How could this be un-happiness when I do not feel happy either?

Can we reason this, can I try and explain? There is chaos, there is lack for foresight and above all there is lack of something, undefined – unknown. I do not think it can be filled in with poetry, music or a person. It has to come from within. Come from a purpose of life or of existence.

I spoke a ‘friend’ the other day and she had a very interesting point. To her existence is relative to her. So death is when you ease to exist to your own conscious. You no longer are. Well in that case, I am only because I am, I am alive or I try to be not-dead. Can then I be even if I try not to be, philosophical? Well maybe- but not good enough. Why does this feel like a mid life crisis when I am yet to even graduate. (Not much time left tho, go me!)

This is a very strange feeling- like why is it like this then. I smile I laugh, I cry and I live. Then what is it that I feel the way I do. What more would I want in my life. Is it that I consciously or unconsciously want a bit too much? Am I asking for a lot here? The funny part is I am really not sure, what is it that I am asking for?

I guess U2 sings right, “sometimes you can’t make it own your own.” Now then else does one need? Please don’t tell me, ‘someone special’, that would be just so fake. (trust me I know, not like your really need to trust me or anything)

You know you are listening to allot of Sabbath!

I am free but I am addicted to smoke,

I am me but can’t say how it goes.

I am rock fan, oh! I can’t listen to pop,

Pure fucking metal or nothing at all.

It’s revolution, freedom defined,

Worship them, chant their lines.

Wearing black, singing songs,

We are giving in, that is the new reform.

It’s in good taste that we have to fight,

They do sing for then but they aren't corporatised.

It’s a strange world that we are living in,

The conformity is to never conform again!

I can choose for myself but I have to dope,

It’s all so clear that we are loosing controls.

In this mad men world, that is a problem for sure,

Popular culture or culture meant to go broke.

And life goes on!

You may not know me,

I may not be you.

I sure can find you now,

But I can’t free you.

It’s in our head,

And it is in our mind.

There is a god there,

But not that divine.

They have set a tone,

To which we all can dance.

Now we are much clearer,

Of what all we want.

So much, to put things right,

I have known this trance.

So here the theme is,

Shut up, get up and dance!

She is well on her way 

and I’ll never say, 

that I am all alone 

she is my only escape 

It’s just a bit late 

it’s just a bit hate 

its justice and fate 

theses things are 

my mistakes 

She is standing right here 

walking on, 

if only she wouldn't care 

My only wait 

I will always be here 

So unsure, 

for what we have shared

others are right 

others are always wrong 

it’s alright,

we don’t live too long 

Its ok, 

she is well on her way

this can’t be right 

but it’s her only escape

Thank you for not been there.

Sometimes I want to thank all those who have hurt me the most, for this pain has made me more human or more real to me. Someone said to me, pain is not necessary bad and today I couldn’t agree more. Many great wounds end up teaching me things I can never otherwise learn. I have been molded such that, many people, double crosses etc just don’t bother me anymore. To quote U2 here, the song Struck in the moment , “I am not afraid of anything in this world. There is nothing you can throw at me, that I haven’t already heard.”

Maybe it is good, maybe I should be like this, alone hurt and in pain, or else too much happiness could be bad, it could actually destroy my ‘self’. Imagine having all that is good, how would one know what is good, how would one be satisfied, wouldn’t then I be as superficial as the very people I can not stand. Trance, tranquility can not be happiness, which I have given up on, long back. All I seek is satisfaction, which I can drive out of knowing certain someone (almost there), talking to someone and just been there with someone, yes if only such things would stop revolving around someone’s and start centering upon me, but I haven’t reached there yet, would I, only time will tell.

But today I would like to say this to someone, thank you for not been there, for if you have been here, I would not be closer to my own self. I would not have reached the depth of thinking I experience now. I really can not explain how I feel right this very moment, so I would do what I always do in such cases, Quote Mirza Galib, when he said, “tere wade pe ziye, toh yeh jaan juthi janna. Ke kushi se mar na jate, jo ietbar hota.” This means, “If I am alive because of your promise, then this life should be false, or non-existent. For if I trusted the promise, I would have died of happiness.”

Really not much to say or rather explain here other then telling myself- its ok, its all good.

For those, who we lost in this experiment called society

Stolen dreams, broken wings

Devil won't laugh, angles wont sing

heard your cries, seen your eyes

never knew you would smile.

Did not know, but never apart

could not be more, you will depart.

Unknown faces, strangers that hated

everyone felt your pain, but you have faded

the moment you had,

was something we all needed

across these tears, behind this fear

you should shall shine, distant or near

unknown, away, so untrue

You won't remain, memories won't do.

Head full of dreams, heart full of lies

the very last moments were not goodbyes

R.I.P

Some burn themselves in glory

Some find their selfs in pain

Many give thier soul for pleasure

Few live like they wont remain

Seen more that I would want to

Felt more then I can tell

Gone, where there is no return

Fell down but didn't help

Heaven would not wait

Hell was never free

Got what I didn't want

Never had what I need

Held on to what wasn't mine

Gave way to what was

Kept the promise I made to you

Our souls were kept apart

I move on, I’ve said my prayer
Set my soul to a different dare
I push back, holding on to what’s not clear
I felt your look was not a stare

I stand my ground, when I know I am wrong
I fight myself while I am going down
I put it right where it’s never been
Push my self when I should end
It’s never on but I am fine
You should know my reasons
I should know your lines.
If we ever stop, it’ll never be
Something what we wanted
Something that I feel
And there you are
Standing like you know
I give it all
But your are never sure
It’s not how we feel
It’s how we don’t
This guilt ridden trip
I will always flaunt.

something I wrote for someone who will never read this

For life I do not fear

For death I can not wait

Where life is not a promise

I will only believe today

A few years were few moments

Few moments are my entire life

When I stand you should know

I can be what I despise

A long cry is my whisper

It can be heard only in my sky

I do know what I want

It's what I need I can not find

Let's pretend everything now

No reasons left for us to fight 

You are gone and it's known

That I can stand my own reflection

Knowing you I don't know what's right

Back to the past

My trip to India is about to end and I think I almost had a life changing experience, I went back to my parental house in a semi-urban town, Rohtak in Haryana. The city or its infrastructure, or lack of it is not my point here. My point is my visit to the place where I was 1st taken straight out of the hospital. Place which has housed four generations of my family.

It is a typical old style house located in a not so good area of the city, it’s a house my great grandfather bought when he immigrated from Pakistan and when Haryana was part of Punjab state. I was there only for few hours, reaching at night and leaving next noon. The memories that I was rushed with were just mind blowing. From my visits to the my grandda’s house, to how each holiday would mean a lot of fun . Memories of us playing cricket, visions, of my uncle playing ping pong and flying kite and other pity stuff. But what I was amazed to remember was a figure of my great grandfather, who I only remember as a white clothed figure bringing something from the market as I was crawling, yes I remember I was crawling. Then it went on to small visions of us playing and watching TV. Mind you TV sets those days were rather rare. Then I went up stairs, and did what I always did, climbed next door, to out neabiour and my dad’s aunt house, they still live there, I saw many things that are still there, still been used the same way ( a chair I always had a fancy for, I don’t know why though.) then what came to me was my grandfather’s death and how he passed away in a Sikh temple on a rather regular day during a very regular visit. I felt weird that this no frills old fashioned and really unwanted house could hold so much to me, especially considering that fact that I was not really keen on going there, but it was my dad and fact that his aunt and uncle still lived there had me go there at least once to see them.

As I was watching telly late nite, I got up and walked out, looked up and I saw what was a long shaft in between the two ‘parts’ of the house. You can see the 1st floor, now no one lives there, my dads uncle who used to has moved down. But it made me realize how far I have gone.. what distance has been traveled in past 22 years. It also gave taught me that there always is a big picture and that maybe the small things doesn’t matter now, it all fits, like small pieces of puzzle one may have and I need to go back to this weird place and I would actually understand it all. Also the news is that maybe this house would be sold soon and my dad’s uncle would move out to a much better city. So maybe this was my last visit to this house. None the less, the lessons are learnt, the thoughts and the memories will remain. Like Rabbi Shergill in one of his songs wrote, jaddo na kuch agge disse, tavi banda vekhe peeche” meaning that if a nothing can be seen ahead of us, its time we look back.”